I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize