I want to have your abortion
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's official drugs can't kill me
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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