got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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