giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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