I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
