Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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