Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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