she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
