Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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