Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
