you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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