if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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