peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize