i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Liz is crying about burritos again.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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