How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
