I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
