If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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