I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
