It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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