The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
