im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
