remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize