Don't make out with my wife yet
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
