I'm gonna have a badass scar
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
