I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
