What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
