im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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