He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
