woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
