She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
