I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
