i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
