I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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