last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize