Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
