I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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