why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
