for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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