I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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