She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
