Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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