Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
