I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
