My liver just broke up with me...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
