I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
