God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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