Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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