Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
