no, he came in my armpit
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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