I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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