i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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