The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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