Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
