I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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