I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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