dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
