Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
