I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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