so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
