Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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